Cheers to the start of the March 'holidays'!

To start of the term 'break', I'm going to have a celebration in my house, by myself, drinking lots of water and making frequent trips to the toilet. Why? Because I'm SICK! While everyone else is at NJCC, oh noooo. This is my first time missing NJCC since I joined canoeing. But actually, after last year, I'm not really hyped up about NJCC.

Today, I spent the morning watching So You Think You Can Dance :D I want to watch some more now but it's so laggy :(

Sigh, it's raining and I hate the rain. Makes me emo. And I start thinking of things. I was going through facebook just now, messages that were sent in the past...

Shall go back to drinking water bah...

So I've been trying to find a new blogskin really desperately and I've failed!!! D:

SORRY ALL~

Realized that I've been such an asshole lately because all I think about are the friends I can't have. I really gotta start caring much much more about the ones who go through the hell of listening to me talk about the ones who aren't there. Sorry I took you all for granted :(

I know I've been acting like a jerk recently... Getting angry, being tired, acting childish when I'm just so tired, spamming emo tweets~ Thank you so much for being so understanding about my tough training schedule. And to those who always reply to my emo emo tweets, thank you! :)

All this talk is useless, only actions will be able to make you understand that I'm truly grateful. Well, time to make more time for the people that make life worth living.

Blog posts so sad. Anyway, I've recently finished reading all the updates of another shoujo manga called L♥DK. It's been brightening up my mood for the past few days 'coz I'm such a sucker for romance. Comedy too! :D

Well, I feel super tired this week but what to do? Trained everyday from Wed till Sat. Morning training continuously for 3 days is seriously hell. I'm really confused over whether I should go for training even though I feel so tired. It's like I already know I can't produce many good sets today and on top of that, if I go for training I will not have the option to slack so I might just push myself over and get injured or fall sick. Then again it's not like I can skip training so easily. High responsibility here over this and a few other matters. Other matters such as firstly, the boat I'm using needs to be taken care of very carefully, secondly, I have to be conscious that I'm going to become a senior so I have to learn how to be a good one fast, and so on. On the side note, I don't think I'll get to experience being a junior for much longer because of all the newbiez coming in, damnnn!

I really wish for more time. It's like my holidays flew past and school is starting next week. I guess I signed a deal with the devil. I get the opportunity to go to Hwa Chong and continue canoeing in exchange for litte, controlled freedom and much torture. Yep. Today was the Geog challenge and I didn't attend at all :/ I wonder how it went yet I'm a bit scared to ask because I didn't go when I said I would. What I did today was instead: Go for training, lunch at HC (supposedly Kee Wei's farewell lunch, that's the only reason I went) (Kee Wei is last year's boys team captain and he's very very nice), a bit of study session then rush off to meet Vanessa at airport, super late for church so I didn't go (guilty again), slept from about 6.30~8.30 and I've been slacking for the last two hours... (wow I just realized...) Sigh, life's in a MESS.

Today, training was quite depressing. My timings seemingly deproved drastically from last year even though I can say that I've been training much harder than before. Perhaps I just need more time to catch back up but I would definitely not like to stagnate at the same timing for a year, plus the fact that I'm training much harder. On the other hand, I felt so tired today while doing sets. Halfway through my second 1000m set I started having a runny nose which shows that I haven't been sleeping enough. Yep, so I don't know why I sorta slowed down. Also, the teacher said something about my mentality that really pissed me off. I fight back okay, maybe not all the time but I do try. I really hate it when I'm here trying so hard and there you are, easily saying that I'm NOT. Haven't you seen me fight back and catch up? Last time, even though I was 25m behind (a whole buoy!), I caught up with my opponent, and just because today I was quite tired and you said that about me, I was kinda pissed -.- Thanks. That day even, you said 2 people in our team had weak mentalities just because they did not come for training. I think they are smart people who know how to rest and actually have the guts to. I felt that it was really horrible of you to say such things behind their back even though they also train hard.

Sigh okay, I gotta stop talking about training before I get "found out" just because I wrote something wrong. Hm, how about no kaypoh people at my blog huh? Please press the X button on the top right if you're one! Okay, although I haven't blogged all out, I need to practise some guitar now before tomorrow's class. I haven't touched it in two weeks! Deaaad!

Here's two camwhore photos like I used to post before :P



New cam! Promised you guys some high quality pix x) so here's some of myself hahahahaha. Anw that's the dress I wore for CNY second day.

CHEEEEEEEERS~

Sian ;_; your mum tells me not to worry.

But I can't help it. I don't know what to feel anymore :'( I'm so angry and sad; frustrated. I don't understand why your mum says "I think he doesn't know how to tell you" or something like that. Haven't you known me well enough to understand that I'll accept whatever you think is embarrassing or 'weird' about yourself because I consider you a very good friend. In fact best friends once and now I don't know where we stand - friends, are we even?

Sigh, I just, feel so sad :'( and I think about it everyday, how you're not around. I always wonder when you're coming back. New Year? Maybe when IP starts... Chinese New Year...? It didn't happen... How am I going to react when you come back? Ignore you? 'Cause I'm so so frustrated. Talk to you? It's so awkward to do so because I have no idea what to say. "Oh you're back." I just decided to go for the 'natural' reaction, but what will it be? Will I get so angry that I cry, like in the dream? The fact that there's training almost everyday makes it barely bearable.

I'm going crazy I guess. I hate it. I hate how I cannot be fully happy anymore.

I think what's been missing all this time is good music omg :)

I think I'm also a bit bipolar oh noooz 'cos I'm suddenly so happy now heheheheheee.

Listening to THE BOYS. SNSD needs a new single NOW NOW NOW and I need to go find new kpop songs now now now oh goshhhz :X Slacking feels damn good ;)

oh and I'm setting up my camera now. High quality shots soon yeah lolol xD

Been emo-ing these past few days, or more accurately, I'm not as bubbly as before. It's all about forcing myself to see the light, it doesn't come naturally, that fresh feeling everyday when I greet my friends and classmates. I miss KC. I'm tired 24/7 too.

Sigh, I miss staying up late and having friends to pei me online. And going to sleep together with that friend so I won't be online alone because I won't ever want to sign-off if it wasn't for that other person signing off too. The online atmosphere feels really lonely now... Heh.

I don't know... and everything just feels not right. Perhaps it's just this weird transition period to JC. Sigh. I don't wanna go to sleep... I need someone to tell me to do so.

Sorry I'm not making any sense but I'll post this anyway. Not really in the CNY mood though.

If I was in the CNY mood it'll be like...

HAPPY YEAR OF THE WATER DRAGON EVERYONE! teehee

I don't wanna try to be fake happy because I find it disgusting. But I hate being sad and burdening my friends too. I also don't know how to find real happiness also. I sound so dumb, k nvm lolol.

Dear dear online sanctuary,

right now I've got myself in a mess. I thought the place that I wished so hard to get into was a haven. What could've gone wrong? I had motivation, I had determination, wasn't that all I needed? Well no, it's wasn't enough, and what I signed up for was actually hell on earth. What's wrong with this place you ask? The mastermind. The person who's in-charge of it all.

Scolding scolding scolding. That's all I remember from training. I don't find happiness in improving myself anymore, I see it as a chore now. Just to go down and get scolded. Don't you know any other way to communicate? You always talk about using the best methods but what you're using is the worst. It makes people want to walk away and never come back and all you do is scold the rest as though it's their fault when they're the ones that are keeping it alive. You blame yourself too but have you ever asked yourself what is that problem about you that makes people want to stay away? Guess not.

I hate being forced to do things. I HATE IT. You're gonna tell me things like: Well get used to it. But seriously, how can a person improve exponentially without the want to. Impossible, all that happens is little and slow improvement. All I think about is leaving. Leaving this screwed up place 'cos all it gives me is STRESS I SWEAR OMG AND I'M SERIOUS.

This is no RANT post. 'Cos even after I talk about it, no weight is gone -.- This is s e r i o u s.

On the bright side. I took of my braces :)

Okay so it's high time I blogged because I have so damn much pent up feelings I wish to release in the hopes of feeling better.

So, yesterday I got back my O level results. I got 9, same as my prelim score but what the heck. I got B3 for English!? A2 for Chem!? B3 for combined humans!? These didn't meet my expectations, but here's the few that did: A1 for Emath, A1 for AMATHS, A1 FOR PHYSICS and A1 for GEOGRAPHY! Omg! I don't intend to brag but seriously, I didn't expect to get A1 for Physics and Geog. Yes I worked hard but then, for Physics, I really felt that I screwed the paper and for Geog, I have never gotten an A1 in my sec3/4 life! Right now as I'm blogging, I feel really insecure about my English. I mean B3!? Come on lah... whatever it's over~

Case 2: Girls team issues & HC.
Okay so yesterday and the few days before, I was really reconsidering about whether I should join HC. Well you see, I'm not really comfortable in the girls team. I mean, they're nice and all but so guai! I just don't know how to put it, it's just so... standard and unteammish. I barely laugh during training anymore, not to mention, I find their jokes funny so I guess it's just because I'm different lah, they're not horrible people or whatever. But in the end, I'm choosing to go to HC. It feels like the best option. Mmhm, hopefully I'll make my own friends there and feel much better :)

Case 3... I don't know whether to type this out or not but it's been on my mind 24/7. Klieow. Omg :( My (used to be?) very good friend, who's suddenly gone missing for 1 freaking whole month. At first I was bloody hell worried but then, it seems that he's alive but just shutting everyone else out. I call his hp, its off. I call his hse, he leaves the phone hanging. I've started to think that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. No birthday wish, no good luck for O level results, NOTHING. And I thought we were good friends? Sometimes I blame myself, maybe it's because I show too little care so I don't deserve to get a birthday wish, like maybe I should have gone to his house to check out whether he's really fine and all but now that he's rejecting all my calls should I even go? It seems that he doesn't want to see me at all. Maybe my persistence is just pissing him off. Ergh, speak of the devil!

Argh this post didn't really help but ohwell! ;_;