It's been a long time since I've blogged. I guess I was compelled to come online today because I felt the need to release some unwanted feelings. Actually I've been feeling the need to blog for these past few days but never got up to it because once I actually got here, I'll forget the intensity of my feelings and decide to not blog at all.

So here's one feeling that has struck me deeply. Well you see it all started out when a group of friends spontaneously decided that I would be the first to marry. For what reason, I don't know, they agreed on that it would be me, then they started going on about this topic.

Well, honestly I don't think I'll get a boyfriend. And if you ask me personally be it verbally whatsoever, I'll tell you all the superficial reasons why. I mean firstly, I don't have time. I want to pursue my canoeing career, and my studies. And if you delve a little deeper (for those kaypohs who are not satisfied with my first reasoning), I'll tell you that I never really had a 'crush' before so I don't really know... you know that feeling where you go crazy over a guy? When you see him, when he gestures to you, when he messages you, I don't know what you girls get crazy over but yeah, you see my point? So I don't even think I'll have any crushes. (Eyecandys are different)

I can give you many reasons, but all in all they're for the same reason - to hide the truth. I don't think I'm good enough. I've been through so much these past 2 years, and did some things I regret so badly. It still haunts me every time I think about some past events. I don't want a nice capable guy to have a girl like me. That's why when people talk about getting a bf in JC, I'll stand my ground - no. (Esp if you know what JC I'm aspiring to go to maybe you'll understand a bit more, but I doubt you'd understand much because I'm purposely writing in such an ambiguous manner, so feel free to make your own conjectures)

Well, as you can see that I'm absolutely not comfortable talking about this topic, so please don't ask me what do you regret and whatever. I'm getting used to talking about the aforementioned (relationships) so it's okay you don't need to avoid such an interesting topic around me, just don't talk about me ;)

I really need to focus on studying... yeah. I guess the next time I blog will be perhaps after O's. Wish me luck!